Overwhelmed and Impatient
*Benjamin
As I am sure a lot of us out there have experienced, having a profound awakening experience is absolutely amazing. However, coming out of that state can be devastating...Speaking from personal experience, after having a HUGE moment of surrender (literally falling to my knees, heart bursting...read the bio, folks) it was like hell coming out of that. We're talking dark night of the soul, ya know? After getting a glimpse of what I really am, and what we all really are, I find myself overwhelmed with what I should do with life...I know I am here to serve in someway, as I imagine most everyone on this network is, but I grow more and more impatient because I'm not sure what it is that I will be doing. I know I'm not alone in this. There are a lot of people who wake up, are showed certain gifts, and then they come back out of that state and become confused...I guess I just wanted to get this out of me because it kind of drives me crazy...What do I do with all this energy? AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! Okay, that is enough complaining...
Access: Public
July 2008 
Let us take several deep and delicious breaths together, Benjamin.
Ahhhhhhhhhh……
You mentioned in an earlier blog entry that you read an Andrew Cohen article. Was it from What Is Enlightenment magazine? Are you familiar with the work that AC is doing, and also Ken Wilber's Integral movement? KW has mapped the different 'dark nights' and knows them rather weil. Also alot of shadow work is very important.
I know exactly what you are going through. Energy is energy, and you will need good creative outlets for it. What inspires you?
Yes, the article was from What Is Enlightenment magazine…And I am familiar with Ken Wilber's Integral work as well…When I read it, I am like “Yep, that is what is happening”….I have always just given my time and energy to those in need. Orphans, single mothers and kids, less fortunate - you know, heart work…Just helping those in need inspires me and brings me to life…
So far for me, and I dont get it when people tell me that Integral doesnt 'resonate' with them…. is that the Integral map is the best view one could possibly have of 'what is'. If there is a more complete, grounded in reality, verifiable one, let me know, I want in on it too :)
Your inspirations are gracious, and noble and heroic. Truly. Keep going! An amazing young man you turned out to be. Now, about that overflow of energy…..yoga perhaps? Bodywork, exercise…..UR quadrant stuff could help alot….. I m afraid to do even deep breathing, I end up in tears alot of the time…. :)
I know what you mean about the deep breathing…when one becomes so sensitive to life, everything seems to be amplified, until that complete surrender happens….I am afraid to go into meditation again because my heart is so fragile…I already had that moment of surrender, but I came back out, and ever since then, the fear has been that much more noticable. Letting go, or surrendering completely is so hard because the mind wants to hold on and thinks that there will be nothing left of “you” if you surrender….Exercise does take the edge off for a bit, but my heart still wants, still yearns for surrender, but it just isn't happening..ARRGHH…I always ask myself “What are you holding on to?” And honestly, I don't know anymore….